The Year I Stopped Reading Alone

Preface

This post started from a much different place than where it wound up going. It took me the better part of a week to write. I poured more of myself on the page than intended. The more that it got uncomfortable to write, the more it felt important to share. It helped me to write it, yet I wrestled with whether or not I’d actually make it public. In the end, I feel that it could help someone else, even just one person, and that makes it worth publishing.

A Bookworm From The Beginning

I've always been an avid reader, from when I was a little kid. Whenever I was in the car with my parents, I had my nose in a book. I'd let my brother Mark take shotgun in the car, so I could be in the backseat reading my book. It was to the point where, when I turned 16 and got my driver's license, I had no idea how to get from Point A to Point B in my hometown because I'd never looked out the window when we drove anywhere!

That love of reading has never faded, although my book completion rate waxes and wanes based on other factors in life. I started tracking my books in Goodreads in 2005 (apparently), and I'm one of those people who would set a goal every year in the Goodreads Reading Challenges.

For 2025, Goodreads changed the behavior of the Reading Challenge by merging in comic books, which wrecked the experience for me. The stats nerd in me can't abide by mixing 22 page digital comics with full-length novels, so I abandoned the Reading Challenge feature for 2025.

That doesn't mean I'm not still tracking all the books I read, though! I'll include a list at the bottom of this post. But before I share my list...

Loneliness

2025 has been a transformative year for me with my reading. For the first time since college, I wasn’t the one picking every book that I would read. That’s what happens when you join a book club.

Unless you’re reading a book to a child, reading a book is usually a solo activity. That’s always been fine for me. I’d rip through the latest novel on my To Be Read (TBR) list, whether it was a hardcover, a paperback, or a Kindle ebook. I’d log it into Goodreads with a star rating, very occasionally leaving a brief comment as a review. And then I’d move on to the next one. I’d barely give myself a breath between each book.

That’s a lonely way to read.

In 2021, I realized that I was lonely. And it had been that way for a while. Several years by that point, in fact.

Looking back on my life, I’ve always been an introvert. I’m shy in person, and my mouth isn’t always able to keep up with my brain. I stumble through conversations, trying desperately to figure out the next thing to say. I get self-conscious easily. I have a bit of a lisp – and I’m really having a hard time with it since getting Invisalign last month.

With all of that constantly in my head when I’m around other people, the instinctual part of my brain tells me to step back, to retreat. It’s something that I’ve learned to overcome in professional settings especially, and I’ve managed to tamp down a lot of my introvert tendencies over the years. But it’s emotionally draining to fight your instincts. So when you invest so much emotional energy to put yourself out there professionally, it doesn’t leave much left in the tank personally.

Now, don’t let me make it seem like I’m alone. I get along well with people. I’d like to think I’ve made good friends over the years. Heck, I even somehow got April to marry me! So, I have the ability to connect with people, in general.

But I also don’t do nearly enough to cultivate my friendships. There are plenty of reasons – no, strike that. Excuses. So many relationships withered away. I had almost no contact with friends from high school; my parents moved away from our hometown, so I wasn't going back over holiday breaks and summers during college. After college, I moved to California, clear on the other side of the country from most of my college friends. Work friends drifted in and out as jobs changed. People got married, had kids, and that came with new priorities and demands on their time, while I stayed single a long time. I never played sports or had athletic aspirations, so I wasn’t joining teams or going on regular outings to the golf course or wherever. I didn’t find a community that felt right for me through organized religion.

Even with all that, I had an active social life for most of my 20s and 30s! When April and I started dating and eventually living together, it opened up even more to the couples' get-togethers.

Things started to change in 2011. I left a job where I’d made a lot of friends who lived nearby. I started a new job that involved a long commute (3 hours per day, minimum). That wrecked my available time during the week. The new job also wasn’t going well in a lot of ways, increasing my stress, and, eventually, crushing my soul.

We moved from Los Gatos, where I’d lived for 11 years, to San Francisco, and now I wasn’t near where most of my friends lived. I drifted further and further from the people that I cared about, whose company I enjoyed, but didn’t really notice that it was happening at the time.

I quit that job. We moved again. I started a new job, then left it for my current job. 

I backed away from social media, especially in the run up to the 2016 election and the aftermath. The sites that I used to frequent to keep in touch with friends no longer felt like safe spaces, becoming more and more toxic every year.

Next thing I knew, there was a global pandemic that forced us all into our homes. So now I couldn’t see people, except in a little window on my computer, usually for scheduled meetings.

In 2021, we got our Covid vaccines and could start being around each other again, if cautiously.

But I didn’t. I was a recluse. I stayed home with my books.

(And my wife and our dogs...)

I distinctly remember the day that the loneliness realization hit me. Saturday, December 4, 2021. I was sitting in the kitchen, and I was finishing reading The Storyteller: Tales of Life and Music, Dave Grohl’s autobiography. Something about it made me want to talk with a friend about what I’d read. I realized, though, that I couldn’t think of anyone that I would readily reach out to about it. My friendships were largely dormant. Oh, sure, plenty of people were technically just a phone call or text message away. But my brain was telling me, “How could you possibly ring someone up out of the blue to talk about the book by the frontman of the Foo Fighters? That’s absurd!”

I recognized that I wanted to shake things up, to change the circumstances that I'd found myself in. What would be a good fit for me at that moment in time? Well... since I'd just been reading a book and wanted to talk about the book, I found myself searching for “book clubs” online.

Nothing relevant, too broad a search query.

“Men’s book clubs near me”.

Nothing came up that seemed even remotely active, or a fit for my interests. The pandemic had ruined whatever there might have been locally.

What if I take out the “near me" part of the search?

Tough Guy Book Club.

This looks interesting… “A Fight Club for your mind” was the tagline back then. Oh, hey, there’s a Facebook page and group for it, let me go check it out!

Oh. They’re all in Australia. That’s a bit far from California, and all the chapters only meet in person – that was a core tenet of the organization.

Oh, hey, there are chapters starting overseas! New York! Portland! We’re getting closer!

But nothing in California.

Maybe I could start a chapter myself…? I looked into it a bit, asked about it in the Facebook group, but didn’t get very far. How could I possibly start a men’s book club? I’m paralyzed at the thought of sending a text message out of the blue to friends I hadn’t been in touch with in years!

So, I put it all aside, and sucked it up. I’d just manage like I’d been managing this whole time.

2022 goes by.

2023.

2024.

I’d see some people every so often, especially if they initiated. I did have my annual Lake Tahoe trip every February with a gang of 11 other guys, which was always great… but short, only one long weekend every year.

2025, and I finally break the cycle.

At the beginning of 2025, instead of New Year’s resolutions, I set a list of intentions for myself. Less specific than resolutions. Not goals, not targets. Instead, things that I wanted more of in 2025 for myself. I’ll share my full 2025 intentions list in another post one of these days. For now, suffice to say, one of my intentions was Connection.

Connection

But how?

January wasn’t going to be the month for it, while I was focusing on some of the other intentions. Or was that just another excuse?

In February, during the annual Lake Tahoe trip, I was chatting with Brian about the books that we’d each been reading. This was a conversation that Brian and I would have every year on the trip, trading our recommendations of books and TV shows.

Something clicked for me during the conversation; this was my chance to practice my intention!

Here was a friend, in person, having a conversation with me about a shared interest. This could work. This could be possible. This could be repeatable.

For once, my mouth was ahead of my brain, and I blurted out, “Let’s start a book club!”

To my delight, he was game!

Daniel was sitting nearby, overhearing our conversation. He piped in, “Oh, my wife loves her book club. If you guys do a book club, could I join you?” Suddenly, we had a group!

Things fell into place quickly from there. I told them we could follow the lead of that Tough Guy Book Club thing I’d checked out a few years earlier. There would be no pressure to finish the book; it wasn’t about the book itself, we’d just use the book as a reason to get together every month or so, don’t wait for the next Tahoe trip to hang out, etc. I threw out a few ideas for books to read – ones I had already planned to read soon anyway, one of which I even had with me on the trip. Misery, by Stephen King, piqued their interest, a novel they’d either previously read decades earlier, or had at least seen the movie. It wasn’t going to be a challenging option, so it was a good choice for our test drive. We picked a date and time, we picked a pub that was midway between where we all lived.

And so the Tahoe Book Club was born.

I pulled up the Tough Guy Book Club page to show them how I envisioned our club would work, the ground rules we could employ, and I was in for a shock. There was now a San Francisco chapter of the Tough Guy Book Club! And it had only been running for a couple of months at that point, so getting in now would be the ground floor.

I signed up immediately.

Now I found myself with two book clubs. Two books to read in about 30 days – Misery, and The Beach by Alex Garland. Both books I’d read before, neither particularly long reads, so a re-read of each in a month seemed like a cinch.

One club with old friends. One club with potential new friends.

Connection! Connection achieved!

It’s only once a month or so for each club, depending on schedules for the Tahoe club, whereas Tough Guy is always the first Wednesday night of every month. But now I have two social gatherings locked in every month. I’ve met new people through Tough Guy, and I get to catch up regularly with old friends through Tahoe. We’ve even added another Tahoe friend, Josh, over the last two months to that group.

In the Tahoe group, I’ve been the one selecting the books for the group. In Tough Guy, the books are selected for us by the organization, and there’s a list of discussion questions supplied to Kevin, the chapter organizer, ahead of time by the organization.

Am I still lonely? Sometimes. Are these the only social outlets I’m doing? Nope. Did it break me out of my rut? Absolutely.

And I get to talk about the books I’m reading, in depth, with guys bringing different perspectives about what we read. I’m having a blast with it.

You May Be Lonely, But You Are Not Alone

Before I give you a list of what I’ve been reading this year, which is all I’d originally meant to write about, I want to share some resources that may help you if you’re feeling lonely like I was.

If you want to join a book club, Tough Guy Book Club is growing all over the world. See if there’s a chapter near you. If not, maybe you’d consider starting one yourself? The organization will help guide and support you to get a chapter off the ground wherever you live. TGBC is a Not For Profit charity (in Australia), run by volunteers that works to encourage reading, build camaraderie, fight isolation, improve mental health, and increase the number of pub arguments about books.

Male loneliness is an epidemic. It’s not just you. You are not alone in feeling alone. There was a recent New York Times Magazine piece that goes deep into the topic, titled Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?, by Sam Graham-Felsen. For what it’s worth, I think it’s a must-read, so here’s a gift link to the piece.

If you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, I’m available. Ironic, I know, based on how reluctant I’ve been to reach out to people, but I am reachable. Some people reading this have my phone number, which I won’t share in a public post… but if you have it, and want to talk, use it. And if you don’t have my phone number, my email is jnassi at gmail dot com. Reach out there, and we can connect.

If you don’t want to talk to me, there’s still help available. Just a few resources you should know about if you’re struggling:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org/chat for 24/7 confidential support. 
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): NAMI offers a helpline (1-800-950-NAMI) and text line (text "NAMI" to 741-741) for referrals and support. They also have local affiliates with support groups, including some specifically for men. 
• HeadsUpGuys: This organization provides resources, tools, and information for men battling depression and suicidality, including referrals to therapists. 

My 2025 In Books, So Far

Now that we got all that heavy stuff out of the way, let's bring it back to what I'd originally meant this post to be.

Here are all the books that I've read so far in 2025. I've noted the books that I read for my two book clubs. For the Tough Guy Book Club, I don't have any say in the books that we read every month. For the Tahoe Book Club, I'm the one choosing the books for the group.

Read in 2025

1. The Price of Time, by Tim Tigner
2. Stolen Thoughts, by Tim Tigner
3. Intermezzo, by Sally Rooney
4. Misery, by Stephen King - Tahoe Book Club 🏔️
5. The Beach, by Alex Garland - Tough Guy Book Club 💪
6. Orphan X, by Gregg Hurwitz
7. Still Life, by Sarah Winman - Tough Guy Book Club 💪
8. James, by Percival Everett - Tahoe Book Club 🏔️
9. The Last of His Kind: Clayton Kershaw and the Burden of Greatness, by Andy McCullough
10. The Return, by Rachel Harrison
11. Careless People: A Cautionary Tale of Power, Greed, and Lost Idealism, by Sarah Wynn-Williams
12. The Stranger, by Albert Camus - Tough Guy Book Club 💪
13. Carrie, by Stephen King
14. The Long Walk, by Stephen King - Part of a collection of The Bachman Books, along with Roadwork and The Running Man.
15. Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett - Tough Guy Book Club 💪
16. The Secret Hours, by Mick Herron - Tahoe Book Club 🏔️
17. Roadwork, by Stephen King - Part of a collection of The Bachman Books, along with The Long Walk and The Running Man.
18. Jaws, by Peter Benchley - Tahoe Book Club 🏔️ Listened mostly via audiobook while on a road trip with my wife.
19. Remarkably Bright Creatures, by Shelby Van Pelt - Listened via audiobook while on a road trip with my wife.
20. Song of Solomon, by Toni Morrison - Tough Guy Book Club 💪
21. [REDACTED], by [REDACTED] - I was a beta reader for a first-time novelist who's looking to get his work published. Hopefully someday I'll be able to tell you about this one! 🤞

Next up, with due dates:

• To Have and Have Not, by Ernest Hemingway - Tough Guy Book Club 💪, due August 6 and in progress.
• The Great Leader Detective Agency Prepares For Glory And Then, A Bit Later, For Ice-Cream Cake, by M. R. Castle - This is an advanced reader copy (ARC) that I randomly stumbled across while reading a Substack post. Feedback is due by August 8. The book is scheduled to be published on August 14.
• City of Thieves, by David Benioff - Tahoe Book Club 🏔️, due August 24.

And next up that I'd like to get to as soon as possible:

• The Running Man, by Stephen King - Reading this as part of a collection of The Bachman Books, along with The Long Walk and Roadwork. No urgency to finish the collection, other than to put away the 978-page tome.
• London Rules, by Mick Herron - I'd like to get to this before the new season of Slow Horses comes out in late September.
• Never Flinch, by Stephen King - King's newest novel, just released in June, latest in the continuing series of Bill Hodges/Holly Gibney stories that I read last year.